Tag Archive | goodbye

Caffeine Buzz

Coffee shops are made for reminiscing. So I sit here, inhaling the fragrant steam from the cup in my hands, and think about our recent goodbye. About the casual hug and the even more casual “You take care of yourself, okay?” About you disappearing into the crowd, with neither of us knowing when you’d be back.

The intensity of missing you surprises me right now.

It’s the strangest thing. Did you know coffee doesn’t taste the same without you?

And rain doesn’t feel the same. Newly-cut grass smells different, too.

I look around, and you’re everywhere. That book you loved. The pasta we shared. That sidewalk we strolled on one midnight when we seemed to never run out of things to talk about. It’s disorienting, like you’ve reordered my world — and  it keeps you close to me and underscores the distance at the same time.

I miss you already. Think of me where you are.

(I wrote this ages ago, but it felt too raw to post immediately. Don’t bother guessing who it’s for — a little mystery is good for the soul. 😉 )


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Track Nine at the Train Station

Let us have this final moment

The last before we part

Like the sunset, grand and silent

Sailing off into the west

One last lingering touch of color,

One last glorious burst of fire

Before the horizon inevitably

Steals it from our sight…

Let us not waste this precious urgency

With promises and sighs

Say goodbye to me, beloved,

Only with your eyes.

* inspired by the movies Before Sunrise and Anna and the King


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Huling Katha

Ubos na ang tula
para sa iyo
Said na ang mga salita
Ito na ang huling pagkakataong
iaalay sa iyo ang katha.

Kumukupas na
ang larawan mong
nakaukit sa gunita
At ang naiwan pang pakiramdam
‘Di ko na ititinta.

Mahusay din pala
ang mga taon
sa pagturong limutin ka
Balikan ko man ang nakaraan,
wala nang hapding nadarama.

Ubos na ang tula
para sa iyo,
Said na rin ang mga luha.

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Coke Floats and Letting Go

My mind drifts as I watch my plastic straw chasing the chocolate syrup around the bottom of my coke float. It’s four o’clock in the morning, and nobody else is on the second floor of the 24-hour McDonald’s. It is my first time to be here alone.

For two years now I’ve been trying to say goodbye to him. I’ve been trying to escape the memories, trying to accept that the dreams we had would never be more than dreams. He is gone. Forever. The finality of it chills me, and I am starting to discover that there are some hurts that even time cannot erase.

I scoop up some of the sundae floating on top of the cola and I can’t help but reminisce about our long,easy conversations over this same table. For hours we would talk about anything that caught our fancy. We quoted movie lines and discussed books, we laughed about other people and about ourselves. But mostly we talked about dreams. And life. One night the mood turned philosophical and he told me that there are certain times when life itself resembles a coke float: soft and sweet on the surface but dark and acidic underneath. I looked at him for a long time after that remark, then he winked and tried to steal some of my sundae with a french fry. I laughed, but what I really wanted to do was to hold him and try to heal the brief flicker of painful memories I had glimpsed in his eyes.

Looking back, I wish I did. Because looking back, I know that I would never get another chance.

One week later, a split-second misjudgment of a taxi driver robbed me of the chance to hold him again. In one brief, life-changing moment, I lost the man who held my dreams and my heart in the palm of his hand. Suddenly, I was left with a wound that nobody’s embrace could heal. Suddenly, I had to learn how to say goodbye.

For two years now I’ve been trying to say goodbye to him. Tonight, in the place where he had taught me so much, I realize that I don’t have to. Because just now, as I remember the pain I once saw in his eyes, I suddenly recall the intense, irrepressible hope that also shone in them. No matter what bitterness lay in his past, he was determined to dream again. In that fleeting, unforgettable moment, even when he had no idea what it would mean, he had given me permission to move on. He had given me courage to take the pleasure along with the pain, and to see our memories not as a reminder of a future that we can never have, but as souvenirs of a past that is too precious to be forgotten.

He will always be a part of me. When love comes again, he will be that inner voice urging me to settle for nothing less than what we had: tender, spectacular, and real. And I will listen to him. He has, after all, taught me all I need to know about forever.

It is almost morning. I raise my empty glass to him in a silent salute. Then finally, after a long night, I smile and walk out to welcome the dawn.

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“Stay”

Tonight’s the perfect night to think about you. The rain is falling hard on the trees outside, the wind is rushing through the night, and a woman is singing of memories and regrets on the radio. So tonight, I remember you. I remember us. And I wish, I wish on the silent stars hidden by the rainclouds, that I could somehow turn back time tonight.

What have I done?! I should have known this was coming. I should have known, the moment I said goodbye, that there would be a thousand nights like this. But it’s too late now. It’s too late to finally admit that I can still feel you, and that I’ve never lost the feeling.

I honestly thought it would be easy. I honestly thought I could just walk away from you without leaving the best part of me behind. But the undeniable emptiness inside me is telling me that I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life. It’s telling me that I was a fool for wanting to chase El Dorado whan Heaven was already mine. I’m starting to realize that what I tried to escape wasn’t entrapment, but the only real freedom I have ever known. So now I have what I wanted, only to find that it isn’t what I needed at all. How could I have been so blind?

Let me come back to you. How I wish I could say those words. But I don’t have the courage, and I don’t have the right. I forfeited it when I decided that my fear over your power to make me feel so much was more important than the future I could have had with you. You deserve someone better, someone who would never even think of hurting you as deeply as I know I did. And me? I’ll try to forget you. I’ll try to forget your warmth, your laughter, and the way you brought life to everything you touched. The way you brought life to me, and changed me, and made yourself part of everything I am. But how can I escape myself?

Tomorrow, the rain will stop and the wind will be silent. But for me, there will always be memories and regrets. Only a miracle can change that, but I guess the heavens have decided that miracles are wasted on me. I look up to the stars for wishes, but the stars are crying, and my wishes are unheard tonight. All that’s left for me to do is to whisper to the wind what I wish I could say to you.

I love you. I am so sorry. Thank you for the best days of my life.


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