To my future husband, about a secret longing

By the time you read this knowing it’s for you, you already have my heart, along with the promise that it is yours to keep for the rest of our lives. Now there’s something I need to tell you, a seldom-spoken truth about the heart I gave that hopefully won’t change your mind.

I need you to pursue me.

There. Writing it, I sort of cringe in front of my computer. I try to find words that are less needy, less emotional, less vulnerable. It sounds so…unfeminist. But as much as I believe in a woman’s worth apart from a man’s opinion, there it is, the bare, unvarnished truth of my heart: I need you not just to love me, but to long for me.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not merely being longed for that I crave. There have been other pursuits in the past, other promises that I haven’t accepted because I was waiting for you to show up. But when you came…I stopped running. It’s  kind of ironic that the man I cannot turn away from is the one whose pursuit I most desire.

May I tell you something else? Sometimes, I don’t really believe I deserve it. On the darkest days, I wonder if you can ever look at me and see someone you would seek to the ends of the earth, someone worth fighting for, someone captivating and absolutely irreplaceable. And I’m very much afraid that if the answer is no,  or a devastatingly careless shrug, my love for you and my self-doubt would conspire to make me accept it. I would make excuses on your behalf, clinging to the assurance you gave while you were still trying to win me, convincing myself that it’s enough. I would dismiss my need as overly romantic and unreasonable, all the while quietly wondering if you’re only staying because I ask so little of you. And day by day, my heart would gradually shrink, drying up and shriveling on the part that your yearning used to fill.

So please. When we are spending our lives together, never stop wanting me.

Miss me when I’m gone. Really miss me.

Listen when I talk, even if it doesn’t seem important to you, even when it’s hard to understand. That’s how I’ll know you’re still discovering me, that you’re still interested, and not indifferent.

Don’t let me be the only one who asks for quality time. Your time, those moments when we can just delight in each other, is the “I love you” I most understand.

Kiss me like you mean it. Let’s promise never to let ourselves get out of practice.

I want our bed to eventually sag in the middle, because that’s where we always end up, instinctively drawing close even in our sleep. There’s nothing sadder in a marriage, I think, than a bed where the occupants never cross the boundary between his side and hers.

Whatever you do, just tell me. Tell me in a way that feels more than just a habit. Tell me with your voice and your eyes and your hands.  Tell me with the way you seek my gaze across a crowd. Tell me with the way you touch me when we wake up. Tell me you want me, desire me, that you would choose me again if we both lived twice.

Because there’s one last thing I want to confess, my darling: that’s exactly how I feel about you. You see, I’ve been longing for you all my life. Even before we met, even when my faith wavered that you would come, I’ve been longing for you. And the truth is, love, I simply don’t know how to stop.

*****

Just like last weekInspiration Monday has again given me exactly the push I needed to get out what I wanted to write. This week, the prompts I heeded were “you only live twice” and “single but taken”.  Thanks, InMon!

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13 thoughts on “To my future husband, about a secret longing

  1. i loved this. it was very heart touching and very very sweet. i hope, if the man you wrote it for is real, that he fulfills all your dreams…and that he knows just how blessed he is to have someone love him as much as these words show.

    marantha d. jenelle/aka/maradjen

      • evenstarwen, i am fifty four years of age, and i only began writing about four years ago. in that time i have written a total of five books, four of which were canceled (one, which is still being sold under copyright infringement to this very day, and three i canceled after the publisher lied to me about having no sales…when i had signed two copies of each of my first two that had been purchased by a friend) and the fifth one, HOMEWARD BOUND, is currently available on amazon.com.

        i suffer bi-polar disorder, as well as adhd, and i use my art and writing talents as coping skills to help me manage the symptoms. i am an artist, poet and writer, and very definitely a dreamer. my stories are filled with description and emotion, for i firmly believe the saying that i have posted on nearly every blogging site i am on….

        WRITER’S USE WORDS TO PAINT PICTURES ON THE CANVASES OF THEIR READER’S MINDS.

        blessed be,

        maradjen

        • It’s nice to meet you, especially since I can relate to using writing as a form of coping mechanism for bipolar disorder. I don’t know if I’ll ever write as many books as you have, especially since my fiction writing needs a lot more practice. Still, one can hope, and write, and try. 🙂

          I hope to see you again next week at InMon, Maradjen. Keep painting with words.

          Cheers!

  2. Pingback: Inspiration Monday: footprints on the moon « BeKindRewrite

  3. this is good, really good. your word really paints your heart. i am happily married for 16 years and i feel i still have the same longing for my husband… he is the way you describe for your future hubby. am I blessed or am I so blessed to have him? he still pursues me and longs for me and misses me everyday.
    but my prayer is ” as you delight yourself in the Lord, may He gives you the desire of your heart” Psalm 37:4.

    keep the prayer,

    composej

    • It always makes me smile to hear stories of long-lasting love. Thanks for sharing! And yes, no matter how much another human being can love us, it is still only God who can fulfill all our longings completely. May God bless you!

  4. he will be one lucky guy…..i wish i was single and younger. i could have pursued you relentlessly…….good day…

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