Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

I can’t wait all my life on a street of broken dreams.  It could have been you. ~Journey

To someone I used to believe in,

Did you ever really see me? There are so many questions, so many things left unsaid. But in the end, it all comes down to this: Did I ever mean anything more to you than the girl who was always there?

“Trust me,” you said. And I did. Oh, how I did. It was the greatest gamble of my life, and I lost.

I wonder how long it will take before I heal. I wonder how long before I can hear those words without my thoughts turning to how you betrayed them. You promised to stay and asked me to have faith, and I took the risk without question. Did I make it  too easy for you to walk away? Did I make it too easy to break your promise?

I can’t even feel anything for you now. There’s a new kind of numbness inside me that’s never been there before, and I welcome it gladly — anything that can take the place of that gut wrenching grief is a blessing. I remember it all too well, and even now something in me cringes at the memory of that anguish. Despite everything, I still never expected anything could hurt that much.

But it’s over now. Those two words, there is such a chaos of emotion inside them. It’s over. Disbelief. Shock. Loss. Longing. And, finally, resignation. Heartbreak has so many names,  and I learned them all from you.

You have to know how hard I tried to hold on. Now I’m going to try just as hard to let you go. There is no reason left to fight for us. Maybe there never was, and I just couldn’t see it. I don’t know what’s real anymore.

Except this. This, I know, is real: It’s over.





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