“It’s sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.”
Dearest Best friend,
I cannot remember the last time we talked. I mean really talked, not just have a polite exchange of pleasantries between two people who used to know each other.
I do remember, though, that first day in high school when we sneaked off to spend hours under the siresas tree and went home with berry juice all over our faces. I remember whispering about crushes and spelling their names out in sign language. (There was even a time when we thought we’d become sisters-in-law! Haha. ;)) I remember buying matching t-shirts so that we’d look like each other as much as possible.
But we weren’t alike at all, were we? In fact, we were a study in contrast. You were glamorous and chic, with a confidence that helped you wrap boys around your little finger. I didn’t know the first thing about fashion (you had to teach me), and I much preferred being friends with boys than flirting with them. You were the girl whose style everyone copied, I was the one who helped them with their homework. But we were both stubborn. So stubborn that our fights could last for months, but also so stubborn that our friendship could survive those fights. We would always make up in time to be there for each other.
Except when it counted. When we needed each other the most, that’s when we drifted apart.
A lot of it was my fault, I know. While you were dealing with your problems, I was struggling with depression. I hadn’t been diagnosed with bipolar disorder yet, which made it more confusing. I should’ve reached out to you then; we could’ve shared whatever strength we had. But I didn’t. Looking back, my history is full of these broken connections. I push people away — the ones that matter most — when I need them too much. When it’s too important to risk being rejected.
Even now, I don’t know if you’ve heard about my diagnosis. It was so far removed from everyone’s expectations of me that I kept it as private as possible during those first few months. But now, I hope you know. I hope you know, and I hope you understand.
Do you have any idea how much I wish I still had you in my life? I regret every step that took us farther away from each other.
I miss you, Best. No one has ever taken your place in my heart.
With all my love,