Catharsis

Sometimes it happens like this.

You get to know someone, and you come to love him, with all the courage and patience and compassion that knowing and loving require. And you’ve never been that scared, or that brave, or that happy. Because he knows and loves you back, or at least you trust that he does. It’s a risk, but it’s worth it.

But people change, or at least they change their minds. And suddenly the knowing and loving is no longer mutual, and everything you think you know about yourself changes. You used to think your limits were non-negotiable, that you’d never let yourself get shortchanged. That you’d be smart enough to get out when it’s no longer good for you.

But hope is intoxicating. It’s addictive and far more tenacious than you’d expected. You still remember the promises and it’s harder than you thought it would be to just stop believing them. You’ve changed, you suddenly realize. Knowing and loving someone so deeply and unreservedly has changed you. You understand now what it means when you read the verse saying love bears all things, and never loses faith, and perseveres. There is suddenly more poignancy and truth in those words than you’ve seen before.

So you try. You honest-to-goodness try. Again and again, you give all that you can possibly give to save what can be saved, to hold on to what is left and to recapture what was lost. But it doesn’t work, and that’s because when all is said and done, it’s just you. You’re alone in trying. There is nothing more devastating than that, but also nothing more undeniable. You cannot escape the painful truth anymore.

Because sometimes it just happens like that.

When it does, you owe it to yourself to let go. Just as you did your best in holding on, now do your best in walking away. Stop putting your life on hold just because he might come to his senses and turn to you, and really see you, once again. It’s over. Recognize the breaking of your heart, and allow for its healing. No, you cannot see that now, but you will. You will, eventually.

And maybe something different, something good, will happen next time.


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