Blindsided. I cannot believe this is actually happening. I’ve heard about backstabbing friends, but I never thought I’d get a firsthand experience. So this is how it feels.
The ironic thing is, I was actually worried about you. Even while I was dealing with the problems you caused, I prayed that you would be alright, that you would come back, that the relationship would be restored. And all the while, you were using me as your excuse for not showing up. When we last talked, I told you I was willing to try to rebuild the friendship. That you shouldn’t distance yourself from us, because we were a family, and that doesn’t change when one of us messes up. And you said you would try, that you were sorry because you didn’t mean to hurt me. It was hard, but I released forgiveness, so that the healing could start. The next step was up to you – simply to show up, to go through that initial awkwardness so that we can get over it and go back to how we were. I was actually looking forward to that.
You never did show up. Honestly, I wasn’t surprised. I knew how you avoided difficult situations of any kind, how you always wanted things to be easy and painless. Rebuilding a relationship wouldn’t have been easy or painless, and you knew it. You got scared. And, as you usually do, you did everything to escape whatever it is that scares you. Predictable.
What I wasn’t able to predict was how you would explain your absence to others. How you would tell them that it was my fault you were staying away. It was the last thing I expected, because even at the worst of my pain when you first disappointed me, I never said anything against you to other people. It was between the two of us, and I wanted to protect you. I didn’t want to turn them against you, I didn’t want you to feel alone. It was the decent, mature thing to do. I naively assumed you would show me the same respect.
I wonder if you know that you’re just using me? I wonder if you’re aware that you’re making me pay the price for your fear? Probably not. I think you actually believe it, that’s why you were able to convince the people you talked to. It is always easier to play the part of a victim than to take responsibility for your actions. Subconsciously, you like being weak and helpless, because that excuses you from doing your part, and it gets you the pity of others. If you would just be honest enough to take a look at your own life, you’ll see this pattern over and over again.
You know what hurts most? That people listened to you. That they didn’t tell you to stop and take up the issue with me, which is what accountability should have been about. Well, to be fair, they probably did tell you that I should be the one you’re talking to. But they still listened, they allowed you to change their view of me because you seemed so fragile and lost, and I looked like I was able to take care of myself. Why would anyone feel the need to defend me?
Is this what you wanted? That people would change their opinion of me, and that I would feel like there’s no one I can trust anymore? Do you want me to feel as alone as you feel because of your self-imposed isolation? Then there’s something you need to know. You can destroy my reputation and my ability to trust, you can hurt me all you want, but it’s not going to make you feel better about yourself. It’s not going to make you stronger. So do yourself a favor. Get help. Stop playing the part of a victim and actually do something productive. Stop choosing the easy way every time. It’s the only way you can live with yourself. I’m saying this because, God help me, I still care what happens to you.