I was messing around on the intarwebs when I saw this game.

Here’s how it works: Google “[your first name] needs” and share the results. That’s it: it is that simple. But be honest! Pass it on…

1. Abigail NEEDS A DRUMMER
— seriously, it was the first thing there, in capital letters. hahaha. oooookay…..

2. Abigail needs more character development
— um. life advice from google?

3. Abigail needs special care
— is it just me, or does this sound a bit off?

4. Abigail needs a family that will be patient in allowing her to adjust to her new home
— hey… I sense a trend here…

5. Abigail needs a therapist to help her deal with her rages and fears
— No! I cant trust anyone, not even a therapist! Everybody’s out to get me!

6. Abigail needs a date (just because she’s a puppet doesn’t mean she can’t find Mr. Right)
— apparently I’m not only hopelessly single, I’m also a lifeless doll. great. thanks.

7. Abigail needs to chew
— first, my sanity is questioned, then my love life, now my eating habits? what next?

8. Abigail needs a new cage
— hey! what the -?

9. Abigail needs you
— to play the drums. to help me develop my character. to provide special care. to help me adjust to my new home. to give me therapy. to have dinner with. to….chew? for dinner? okay, maybe I do need that cage.

10. Abigail needs a scandalous story to save her father’s newspaper
— my autobiography would probably do.

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.

- James Earl Jones

Circles – how come I keep ending up in the same place? This place of uncertainty and longing and questions; this place where I can’t be seen or felt or understood. I have the words but not the courage, and how I wish I don’t have to say them, how I wish they could be heard nonetheless. Everybody needs that sometimes – to be so loved that they are known, that they make sense with or without explanations. That they could run to the farthest place and and be called back into safety by a persistent voice.

I could not bear it if I am allowed to stay away.

I am missing. Am I missed?

“It’s hard being left behind…. It’s hard to be the one who stays.”

— Audrey Niffenegger (The Time Traveler’s Wife)

Some words, no matter how long ago they were spoken, never lose their power. Here are a few precious, unforgettable words that have touched my heart:

I can still feel you, and I’ve never lost the feeling. (March 2003)

Proud na proud ako pag tinatawag mo akong kuya…. Kaya nga pinag-iigihan ko rin and mga ginagawa ko para maipagmalaki mo rin ako. (March 2003)

My feet will never get tired of walking with you. (Oct. 1,2008)

Why don’t you tell me your secrets? (Apr.  10, 2007)

These words, especially, are a source of strength right now:

I will never be disappointed in you. (Dec. 27, 2008)

What girl hasn’t dreamed of her first kiss? Long before I even had a crush, I’d already pictured that perfect moment in my mind. I would be standing on top of a cliff overlooking the ocean with a guy who was somehow a cross between Aladdin and Leonardo di Caprio. And as the wind blew the skirt of my long, beautiful dress around my legs, he would take me in his arms and kiss me tenderly at the exact moment that the setting sun touched the horizon. It would be perfectly and utterly romantic. For most of my childhood, that fantasy ranked right up there with the hope that I actually had a fairy godmother who would wave her magic wand and turn Steve (name changed to keep the peace),  the classroom bully, into an ugly frog.

But not all childhood dreams come true. Thanks to all my godmothers staying stubbornly, boringly human, Steve grew up from an obnoxious kid to an even more obnoxious teenager without even the slightest amphibious attributes. And as for my first kiss? Well, that, too, did not go exactly as planned.

I was sixteen then, and we’d moved from the small, sheltered neighborhood where I grew up to the capital of the province. However, we lived quite far from the town center, where my mom and my aunt worked as teachers and my siblings and I attended school. To make the daily commute easier, we hired a tricycle to take us to the city proper during the weekdays. The driver was this twenty-something guy with a barbed wire tattoo on his wrist and dyed blond hair. My mother, being one of the friendliest people I know, would chat him up throughout the 45-minute ride. I seldom paid them any attention; I was too busy putting on my socks, cleaning my shoes, combing my still-dripping hair, or doing whatever part of my routine I hadn’t managed to finish before my mom rushed me out of the door. By the time the others had gotten off and I was the only passenger left, it would be pretty quiet in the tricycle. I wasn’t much of a morning person.

Unfortunately, my mom’s friendliness had given the driver the idea that he had license to flirt with the daughter. He kept trying to draw me out in conversation with pick up lines so cliché they should be outlawed. One of his typical attempts at being charming would go like this:

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

I’d shake my head.

“Really? How come? You’re cute. They should be lining up for you.”

A shrug.

“You must be choosy. You’re choosy, right?”

Another shrug.

“Well, what do you look for in a guy? Come on, tell me.”

I’d smile politely and say nothing.

“Let me guess – handsome. Girls always like handsome guys. Right?”

By this time I’d be wishing I just lied about not having a boyfriend.

“Maybe you want someone who’s sweet. Come on, don’t be shy. Tell me.”

I wanted to tell him I wasn’t shy, I just wasn’t interested.

“Me, I’m a simple man. I like girls who are petite and have long hair. They should be pretty, like you.”  Then he’d look at me so long I’d worry about our safety on the busy road. It was the morning rush hour, and we were surrounded by other vehicles, which, I noted enviously, were being driven by relatively normal, non-amorous drivers.

He would repeat this performance, with slight variations, every morning, not at all discouraged by the fact that the conversation was entirely one-sided. For some reason, he seemed to think himself quite debonair. It wasn’t exactly the best way the start my day, but mostly I found him annoying but harmless enough. I endured his daily pestering until the day he decided to take it to another level.

It was Friday morning, and I was still pretty sleepy by the time we dropped off everybody else at their school. I woke up completely, though, when instead of going the usual busy route to my campus, he steered the tricycle out of the traffic then turned into a quiet, tree-lined, secluded road and stopped….

“Why are we here?” That must have been one of the longest sentences I’d ever said to him.

“I have a great idea,” he said. “Why don’t we hang out for a while and then go watch a movie later?”

I looked at him blankly. “I have classes.”

“So? You can be absent just this once. It’s Friday. I won’t tell.”

“But I don’t want to be absent,” I protested. “Please take me to school now.”

“Come on, don’t be a killjoy,” he wheedled.

“I’m not allowed to go to the movies here.” It was true; there were only two cinemas in town, and they both showed x-rated movies all the time.

“Your mom likes me. She won’t get mad, you’ll see.”

I don’t like you, I wanted to tell him. I was beginning to get nervous, though, so I started to get off. “I’ll just find another ride,” I said.

All of a sudden, he grabbed my arm then leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. Then he waited for the effect.

I was stunned. How dare he? I wanted to slap him, but horrible scenarios were already flashing through my mind. What if he gets violent? What if he does it again? Wh-what if he rapes me? Oh my god, was I gonna end up as one of those girls who were murdered then chopped into pieces? I looked around frantically – there was even a huge balete tree at the side of the empty road. It was the perfect crime scene, and my ghost would be haunting this spot for all eternity. I took off running.

He followed me. “Come on, get back in,” he cajoled, as if I didn’t know how close I was to being a chop-chop victim. “I’m sorry, okay? I won’t do it again.”

Yeah, right.

“I’ll take you to school. Just don’t tell your mom.”

I kept running, but I was getting tired. He, on the other hand, was just driving his stupid tricycle and effortlessly keeping up with me as I headed towards the intersection where that quiet road joined a busier one. Where’s traffic when you need it?

Suddenly, he chuckled. “Isn’t this just like a movie? You know, like Robin Padilla and Sharon Cuneta.”

A movie?! Did he just say that? And was I supposed to be Sharon Cuneta? The guy’s delusional. If this were a movie, it would definitely be a horror film, not a romantic flick.

He kept following me like that until I finally got to the intersection. I flagged down another tricycle which, thankfully, stopped. When I got to school, I immediately rushed to my friends and told them about the ordeal. The girls were all shocked and sympathetic. The boys wanted to hunt him down for revenge. My teacher, on the other hand, only wanted to know if he was cute. Once the initial excitement was over, though, there was one common reaction. It was my teacher who voiced it out.

“So I guess you already had your first kiss,” she said.

What? No! I looked at my friends to see if they found the notion as preposterous as I did.

“Yeah, she’s right,” my seatmate said. All the others had the same thoughtful look of agreement on their faces.

“But that doesn’t count!” I objected. He didn’t even look like Aladdin!

No matter what I said, though, it seemed like history was determined to mark that morning as one of the momentous events of my life. At our high school graduation, several of my classmates’ farewell notes said something along the lines of “You’ll find the right guy someday. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind that you already had your first kiss….”

Seven years later, I still get teased about it. My friends and I would be riding a tricycle, and one smart aleck will come out with “Isn’t this just like a movie?” Then everybody will laugh like it’s the funniest thing since the first knock-knock joke. If there’s someone new in the crowd who doesn’t get it, the whole sordid history of my “first kiss” would be dragged out right there and then. Now if only that fairy godmother would do me the favor of appearing anytime soon….

(This song was composed for a Fine Arts 51 project. I wrote the lyrics, and my friend Kim Arvin Chan came up with the melody. It was inspired and is dedicated to the one who is taking my breath away with the greatest romance of my life. You are who You are – how can I be anything less than captivated? )

One by one

My masks fall away

And all that I am

Is exposed to your gaze

Your tenderness moves me

And I start to believe

That after all this time

I can somehow be healed

Captivating – that’s who you are

Can’t believe the way you’re winning my heart

Take me away, take me your way

I wanna be real; I wanna be free

You look at me

And I know for sure

I’ve never been loved

This completely before

How can I not surrender?

My walls are all down

You’ve changed me completely

My confusion is gone

Captivating – that’s who you are

Can’t believe the way you’re winning my heart

Take me away, take me your way

I wanna be real; I wanna be free

(repeat)

Deeper and deeper I fall into you

Until I’m safe in your arms

Captivating – that’s who you are

Can’t believe the way you’re winning my heart

Take me away, take me your way

I wanna be real; I wanna be free

Take me away, take me your way

I wanna be real; I wanna be free

Captivating – that’s who you are….

Candlelight, cadena de amor, and frangipani. A pink cake and colorful decorations. Phone calls and video messages from Palawan and Manila. And best of all, the love and laughter of friends.

It’s February already but I’m still not over the surprise. You guys just blew me away.  Let me just say thank you to these wonderful people once again:

TO MY FAMILY: For everything. Especially for muddling your way through the complexities of cyber technology so that you could send those videos to Dumaguete. I love you, technological cluelessness and all. I am so proud of you. You are the most amazing people in my universe.

SHANE, CANDY CANE, JUNIE, & JANINE: For making that night a perfect ten.  For knowing exactly what makes me happy. For getting in touch with the important people in my life and making them part of that night. For willingly going through the stress of keeping major secrets from someone you live with and talk to everyday. You shouldn’t have worried that I’d suspect anything – I was as clueless about your plans as my mom is about the internet. Thank you so much, anak, apo, and apo sa tuhod. You made me really happy. (Here I go again – I must have told you that a hundred times already. Sensya, major party hangover syndrome yan.)

ROO:   For producing that video presentation. Shane can tell you how many nights I played it before going to bed. You’ll get that academy award someday.

RAPSQUARED & KANGA: For literally running around trying to make everything all right. Nganong nagdagan-dagan man mo? Nasamad hinuon si Kanga. But on RapSquared’s part, ok ra because he got to stay in the “hotel,” otherwise known as the Silliman University Medical Center. But seriously, thank you, tall people.

KIM:   For making the day wonderful even before the party. For showing me the rainbows. For allowing me to add a new word into my vocabulary: “perfect-est”. For indulgently listening to me say over and over again that I’m really happy. And for a successful mission in keeping me distracted while the others were setting up the surprise. Best actor lage ka, Luwag…hehehe…

K.A. & MAAN: For doing the festive interior decoration. K.A., thanks so much for being there despite such a short acquaintance. Bunso, I delight in you. You both made the night really colorful.

PSALM PALAWAN: For your love that knows no limits. For your prayers and friendship. I miss you, mga palangga, now more than ever. Thank you for the messages, comments, and videos!

KUYA & CAZ: For not letting mere distance stop you from being with me that night. Wow, iba na talaga ang may superpowers. Caz, your secret identity is safe with me (and the approximately 30 other people who saw that video). Kuya ko, you will always be my personal superhero. I love you both. You really know how to make me feel special.

GARY V.: Of course I’ll marry you. Let’s do it next week.

SOLID ROCKERS: For being there. For the successful pretension that nothing out of the ordinary was afoot. Either I’m really dense, or you’re all very good actors. I prefer to believe the latter.

ORENZ: For the video. For wishing me a lifetime free of orcs. For the tour of your room. For the greeting from Kimura. For being who you are to me. Hanon le, Legolas. I am so glad I’m not the only Elf left in Middle Earth. I miss you.

WEN: For climbing that tree just to pick flowers for me. Bilib na jud ko nimo.

NIŇO: For being there. For the amazing pictures you took (I’m using one as my wallpaper for Trans). For being such a sweet friend. Thanks, Nin!

PATRICK: For that gift that took you so long to choose. For your presence that night. For being such a wonderful brother. I know that day in the Hibalag when we first met was one of the best parts of God’s plan for my life. You are such a blessing. Thanks, bro.

ANGEL & SOULMATE: For those unexpected phone calls that really took my breath away. It’s been so long. I miss you, girls. You still have the place in my heart that I gave to you, and you always will. There are so many stories waiting to be told, and I’m looking forward to the time when we can do so. I love you both so much. Forever.

PASTOR NITZ: For the most profound birthday message I have ever heard from a pastor. I will always remember to “go, grow, and glow.”

PASTOR ALONG: For planning that second surprise. It’s not your fault the weather did not cooperate. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness. Balik na lang ka next year diri sa Dumaguete.

NINUNO & NINUNA BERS: For making me feel like I was a guest on Boy & Kris. For being my kuya and ate ate here in Dumaguete. The Lord knew that I would need people like you even before we met.

PSALM BERS & BER FRIENDS: For being both the coolest and the hottest people I know not only in here in Dumaguete but everywhere. You guys are amazing. Thank you for being more than just friends, but my family. I love you, I love you, I love you – to infinity and beyond. You are so precious to me.

There are so many others who were not part of the surprise but nevertheless made my birthday special through their greetings. The Psychz. PSU and SU Psych people. PSALMists from everywhere. Friendster friends. Past and present churchmates. Thank you so much. You made me feel so loved. Hanon le.

Sure, there are millions of songs about love already. Nevertheless, some writers manage to come up with lyrics that are fresh and genuine and real. Here are ten of the best I’ve ever heard.

* DECIPHERING ME (Brooke Fraser): Friend, it’s getting late, we should be going. We’ve sat here beneath these flickering neons for hours. While I am cracking their code, you are deciphering me – for I am a mystery; I am a locked room in a tall tower.

* LOVE IS WAITING (Brooke Fraser): I could write a million songs about the way you say my name; I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again. And like I can’t force the sun to rise or hasten summer’s start, neither should I rush my way into your heart.

* THE THIEF (Brooke Fraser): You’re ruining me with secrets and gestures and looks, with sonnets from second-hand books, playing the chords in me nobody knew how to play. You sing me to sleep, talk down my walls, look through my windows as I wait. You could be the thief I give the key to.

* THESE DAYS (Chantal Kreviazuk): Make me a storybook and write me away from here. I need a different now – where we can wear each other for a while and I’ll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile.

* THE FEAR YOU WON’T FALL (Joshua Radin): I know you’re scared that I’ll soon be over it – that’s part of it all. Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won’t fall.

* SORRY TO A FRIEND (Edwin McCain): Staring at her face, I see a past that still haunts me. The road where we split up is paved with the things I didn’t say.

* COME AWAY WITH ME (Norah Jones): I want to walk with you on a cloudy day in fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high. So won’t you try to come?

* SONG FOR A DANCER (Stephen Speaks): She dances; her footsteps like raindrops patter across the stage. Second glances – she pirouettes then slowly fades away. Lost my chances – who holds the broom that will sweep her off her feet?

* PAPERWEIGHT (Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk): Every word you say I think I should write down, don’t wanna forget come daylight.

* SO ROMANTIC (Stacey Kent): It was so like you to choose such a moment: the sun setting over the square, a pavement café, the local children at play, the sound of an accordion somewhere. You suddenly said fate was pulling us apart, then you shrugged like there was nothing more to add. I suppose you considered that so romantic – well, I just considered it sad.

For the record, though, my wedding song is still, hands down, Gary V.’s I Will Be Here.

This tree can be found beside the southbound highway (near the zigzag) of Puerto Princesa City in Palawan, Philippines. I have no idea how it got to be this way. Can anyone solve this mystery?

I’m here with you at last. I’m here, just standing still and letting you love me. And as the wind flows over the grass on the mountains and the hair on my shoulders, I hear you whisper:  “I know you.” And for once, it doesn’t terrify me to be known. Instead, there’s a surge of relief and intense joy, and though I am wet, muddy, and cold, I feel fresh, free, and alive. The soft rain on my skin feels like an embrace so tender it melts me, and it seems like the most romantic thing in the world to be up here on the hills, on this morning of wind and clouds, discovering how much you delight in me. I want to shout and to soar, to tell you that you are amazing and beautiful and glorious, and that you have captured my heart at last. The pursuit is over – I’m done with running away. I am yours.